Holding Me Gently

I started gathering together the different documents we will need to take with us when we visit the US Embassy and other places on our final trip to Moscow –

- Copy of our 171-H from USCIS
- Copy of our homestudy
- Recent pay stubs
- Copies of last 3 years federal tax returns
- I600 (another immigration form)
- Letter of Good Standing for our homestudy agency (this is the “new” document I mentioned yesterday – yes, I got it but of course lots of drama was involved...waaaaay too much drama. I won’t bore you with the details. My fellow CSS families already know since I had a minor meltdown this morning & told them all about it on our Yahoo group. Thanks again everyone for letting me vent!)

I have a pendiflex folder that has 6 pockets/sections for keeping things nice & orderly. It’s lightweight and compact, and really keeps me organized so I thought it would be nice to use to hold the Embassy documents, our itinerary, the phone numbers & addresses of the other CSS families who will be in Moscow at the same time as us, etc…anyway, my point is that I can use each of the 6 sections for different things we’ll need on our trip. I was really excited to start placing everything in it, but first I had to find it. Much to my surprise, it was in the very first place I looked! There were some old papers in the pockets, so I started pulling everything out and tossing them. I got to the last pocket and stopped. There in front of me I saw a very familiar looking card…one I haven’t seen since late April, 2006…two years ago. Wow…

The front of the card has a beautiful sterling silver cross tied on by a green gingham bow. Before I opened the card again for the first time in 2 years I held it close to me, so that the cross was over my heart, knowing full well what was written inside. I prayed to God and thanked him for answering the prayers that were inside, and for reminding me today just how truly blessed I am. Then, I opened the card and read these words (I added the bold for emphasis):

“Dear Karyn, Please know that your family at EUMC is holding you up in prayer for physical and emotional healing. We ask God to hold you gently and listen to your most intimate thoughts and prayers. Blessings to You – The Body of EUMC”

A few weeks before receiving this card, Norm & I were celebrating my pregnancy. We had selected Matthew Lawrence as the name for our baby, and we had finished registering at Babies R Us. Shortly after those milestones, I started feeling…weird…both physically and mentally. I knew, somehow I knew something was wrong and I went for a checkup. No one in my then-doctor’s office believed anything was wrong & basically told me I was overreacting, which by the way they diagnosed without any medical tests of any sort. None. Just this simple statement: “Just give it time and enjoy being pregnant. After all, we’re the medical professionals. You are not. Let us do our jobs. K?”

Um, no that was NOT okay. Not at all. I immediately went for a second opinion at a new doctor’s office. After hearing my medical history and my current symptoms, they jumped into action and immediately did an ultrasound in their office. Thus began the road to my receiving the card I found tonight. After a battery of tests, completed over a period of weeks, we learned that our pregnancy was not viable but ectopic. I was much farther along is this pregnancy than my first ectopic, and we found out later that my right fallopian tube had burst. My health was in serious jeopardy…and my baby…well, my baby had no chance of surviving. The aftermath of this ordeal had left my right tube so mangled and out of sorts, I had to undergo surgery to have it & surrounding scar tissue removed. My left tube is “iffy” at best so I knew a future pregnancy would likely never happen.

But you know what else I knew, felt and believed in for as long as I can remember?

I have always found comfort knowing we could build our family through adoption. Even if Norm & I had biological children, I knew I also wanted to pursue adoption. So I began to pray the bolded portion of the card above…for God to hold me close and listen to my prayers. To speak to Norm’s heart and place in it the same burning desire, the same passion for adoption, that He had placed in my own heart. To lead and guide us down the road that would eventually take us to the child He had selected to be part of our family, wherever that child may be in the world.

And you know what? He listened!
- He gently held me and let me voice my rage, confusion and dreams anytime I needed to
- He provided comfort and peace in regards to Matthew’s passing
- He offered the emotional and physical healing I needed
- He cared about my longing to be a mommy
- He spoke to Norm
- He placed a burning desire in us both to pursue adoption
- He guided us through our homestudy, paperchase, and first trip
- He led us ½ way around the world to our amazing son in a small town in Russia
- He is entrusting us to care for this precious child – His child!
- He will be with us when we travel next Saturday
- He will stand by us in court on May 15
- He will celebrate with us on May 27 when we pick up Ilya from his orphanage
- He will be with us as we travel home on May 31
- He will always be there when we need him, whether we realize we need him or not!

One day Ilya will fell God holding him close as well, speaking to him, encouraging him, loving him, guiding him, and reminding him how very precious he is not only to Norm & me, but to our Heavenly Father as well! So as I get closer to the day when I can gently hold my son close to me, I am reminded that God has been gently holding me close my entire life!