Footprints (and a special invitation)

“There is no footprint too small

that it cannot leave an imprint on this world.”

My Dearest Matthew,

It’s difficult to know I have carried you in my heart since 2006, yet my arms have never held you close. My eyes have never seen your precious face; my lips have never laid a gentle kiss on yours. I have never heard your baby babble or felt your warm little body against my own, but I did feel you as you grew inside me. I will always treasure that memory.

It’s difficult for others to understand how much I love you, today and always. It’s rare to find someone who does understand our loss, and honestly, that is how it should be. For someone to understand, it means they would have had to suffer the same sadness and grief that I did/am, and I would wish that on no one.

Matthew, I know I tell you this all the time but I still feel guilty that my body was not able to sustain you. I still feel guilty for making the choice the doctor’s told me I had to make that fateful day in the hospital. They told me my life could be in jeopardy, but all I could focus on was your life. When I said that to them, they told me your life was essentially already gone. Your life hadn’t truly begun, and yet was being taken from us both. Matthew, I am so sorry. So, so sorry. My only peace is knowing that you are in the safest and most loving hands you could be in – God’s.

It still hurts Matthew, especially today. I often feel like October 10th is the only link I have left to you, as it was my projected due date. I have no photos, no videos – just the date October 10th. It has become a date I both dread and want to memorialize. I dread it for the obvious reason, and I want to memorialize it because I am so proud of you. You see, you already reached a goal that I continue to strive to achieve and be worthy of. That goal is being with our Heavenly Father, accepted into His kingdom. The very first time you opened your eyes your site was of Him, and far too often I let my “humanness” be the cause/excuse of losing site of Him.

I am honored to keep your memory alive by sharing your story and our short journey together. Did you know that there is actually hope for others in our loss?? I have been given opportunities to offer empathy and encouragement to those facing similar tragedies, and sometimes to introduce them to the loving arms of Jesus. These parents and their loved ones need to know that it’s okay to love, grieve, remember, hope, and yes even question “why”. They need to know that it’s also okay to live and laugh again. Doing so will in no way diminish their love of their own children who were taken from them too son. They need to know and understand this.

I would also like these parents to know that as painful as it is to lose a child and/or hear that having biological children may not be possible for them, their dreams of parenthood may still be achieved through the blessing of adoption. That is where God led us, and you became a big brother on May 15, 2008. Your little brother is amazing and beautiful and funny and loving, and as much our son as you are.

Happy birthday, my sweet boy! I wish we could celebrate together but I have to trust and know that one day we will be united again.

I’ll always love you!
Love, Mommy

A Special Invitation to our Readers: Wednesday, October 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Help keep the memories of Matthew and so many other children alive by participating in the Wave of Light. Simply light a candle at 7pm and keep it burning for at least one hour. For more information, please visit http://www.october15th.com/: